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Nobody wants to be with a liar. Even if your partner doesn't lie about big things, the smallest lies can still affect your relationship in a big way. Lying destroys trust. If your partner can't be honest about a few key issues, experts say your relationship may have some difficulties.
'In order for a relationship to last, couples needs to be honest about almost everything,' Nadine Smiley, relationship specialist at The Relationship Couch, tells Bustle. That means no lying by omission or changing information to try and reduce conflict. If you don't feel like your partner is being completely honest with you, it's hard to trust what they say.
A big lie, like covering up an affair, is an obvious trust-killer. But as Kara Laricks, Three Day Rule's LGBTQ+ matchmaker and dating expert, tells Bustle, the small lies can be just as bad. 'Lies tend to multiply and cause a barrier between you and your partner,' she says. 'The beauty of an intimate relationship is that lack of barriers. And that lack of barriers is what sets your relationship apart from all the other relationships in your life. If long-term intimacy is your goal, leave the lies behind.'
If you need to tell a little white lie to surprise your partner, that's fine. But beyond that, honesty is always the best policy. So if your partner lies about any of the following things, experts say, you may want to rethink your relationship.
Your partner may not be cheating. But minimizing the extent of their interactions with others, whether it be an ex or an attractive co-worker, indicates that they're not doing something you'd really approve of. After all, if they're not doing anything wrong, why would they need to hide it or be less than completely honest? 'If you have interactions with others, share that information when you typically talk about your day,' Dr. Catherine Jackson, licensed psychologist and board certified Neurotherapist, tells Bustle. 'That way, nobody's hiding anything.'
'It's best to discuss money openly and honestly,' Dr. Jackson says. 'Lying about money can lead to a sense of distrust, which will be detrimental to the relationship.' For many couples, money can be a major source of problems. If your partner lies about purchases, the amount of debt they have, or changes in their employment status, you're going to have problems long-term.
You don't need to know your partner's entire life story at the beginning of a relationship. However, Dr. Jackson says that should change once you're in a long-term committed relationship. 'If big things from the past aren't shared, you'll be left wondering what else your partner is lying about or withholding,' she says. Give your partner a safe space to share their past with you, and see if that helps the situation.
If your partner lies about being over their ex when they're not, you may have trouble making your current relationship work. For one, cheating will always be a concern, especially if the ex is still lingering around. And two, this just shows that your partner can't be honest about their feelings with you. 'They move through the world deceptively, keeping their true feelings close to the vest, and put their own comfort first,' Christine Scott-Hudson, licensed psychotherapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle. 'It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who can't be honest, authentic, and real.' If this is something that bothers you, talk it out with them to see if it's something you can move past together.
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'If there are certain topics that are off-limits, your relationship won't last,' Katie Ziskind, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. 'You need to have open communication about difficult topics, such as pleasure in sex, sexuality, fetishes, and sexual urges.' A healthy sex life can keep the spark alive and will help your relationship last a long time. But if your partner feels the need to lie about anything related to your sex life, they're going to be left unsatisfied. Some may even start looking elsewhere to get their needs met.
'Every relationship is different and every individual has different needs that make them feel safe and secure in a relationship,' Laricks says. If your partner withholds information about their triggers or they can't seem to say no to you, that's going to create resentment in the relationship. It's going to be hard for you to make your partner feel safe if they can't be honest about their boundaries.
If your partner is not being truthful about what they want, April Davis, owner and dounder of LUMA-Luxury Matchmaking, tells Bustle, you won't know if they're really a good long-term fit for you. You should have a good sense of who you're with and what they want out of life. If they're not being completely truthful about where they want to live, having kids, or getting married, your relationship may not have lasting power.
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Communication can solve a lot of problems in a relationship. If you and your partner work on creating a safe space in your relationship to have honest conversations, your relationship has a chance. But if your partner isn't fully committed to making changes, it may not work. It's hard to build trust again and lying is a pretty hard habit to break. You can't solve anything when one partner is always being dishonest.
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According to Davis, 'A partner that lies to you, does not respect you.' So if your partner has a habit of lying, you may want to reassess whether they're really the right person for you.
